An Open Letter to Adult Orphans: Navigating Life After Losing Both Parents

Dear Reader,

I had the idea to write this open letter to adult orphans after I found I had difficulty adjusting to life in the aftermath of the death of my father – (several years after losing my mother). I hope this open letter serves as a helpful guide for dealing with this unfortunate part of life.

A little backstory

My mum died when I was 14 years old, and that hurt a lot. Honestly, it took me a long time to deal with it, and in many ways, I still am.  The simple fact is when you’re a lot younger and something like this happens, you might not have the right words to describe what you’re feeling, so you tend to suppress it and try to move on with life. 

My dad was a very active part of my life up until the day he died. In the aftermath of losing him, I am processing it differently from when I lost my mother, simply because I am a fully-fledged adult. In addition, I also had more time with my dad, and I feel like I was more mentally prepared for a time when he would no longer be here.

You are the adult now

“In an instant you no longer have someone around who recalls every minute of your life. Your personal historian, the last one who remembers everything about your life, even the early parts you cannot recall for yourself, is gone”

My grief assist

Losing both parents will make it even more clear that you are an adult now. You might have been an adult before, but now it’s going to dawn on you how much of an adult you are with responsibilities – that you didn’t have to deal with before. For example, if you are the firstborn with younger siblings, you might find yourself playing the role of the guardian and much more. At first, it will be a lot to deal with, but you won’t even be thinking about yourself; you will think of everything that needs to be taken care of.

If you are in this position, I implore you to please take some time to look after yourself. Take breaks and delegate as much as possible.

Activated grief is real

The death of the last parent can also trigger grief for other losses, in particular, reactivating mourning for the first parent. Brooks says adult children often do not fully mourn the first parent because they become so preoccupied with the surviving parent.

The Age

A few months after my dad’s passing, I started to think a lot about my mum, what life would have been like if she had been still around. It bothered me that I didn’t have as many memories about her.

Dealing with these emotions alone was difficult, so I shared some of my thoughts with my family. I also spent some months talking with a therapist who helped me unpack my thoughts.

Doing this also helped equip me with tools that helped me to cope. I also learned that grief is love with nowhere to go, and during those moments, I realised how lucky I was to have experienced such amazing parents whom I will always love.

If you are the only child and you lost both your parents, I can only imagine that this must be even harder for you. Sometimes, it might take a few months or years to feel ready to talk about it. When you are ready, try to look into grief counselling.

If you are UK-based, you can research grief counselling free from the NHS. Some employers also offer counselling as part of the benefits package. Check with your workplace for any benefits you can get around this.

You start to understand your parents much better

With both your parents gone, you may start to realise that you are a lot more like them than you realise.

For example, their mannerisms and things they used to say may slip out of your mouth at random moments.

Things about them may continue to manifest through you, their offspring. It’s only natural after all, they are the ones who raised you.

You realise just how irreplaceable your parents are

We lose our caregivers, and the people we believed would always love us unconditionally.

Restless

You might feel alone with nobody who loves you unconditionally as a parent does. My dad used to tell me, ‘There is nobody (other than God) on this earth who loves you like your mother and I do’. I understand that statement now, even more than ever before.

Although you can never replace that parental love, just know that you are lucky to have experienced it in this lifetime.

Essential life moments without your parents will be hard

Turning a milestone age, getting married, having babies and experiencing life’s firsts without your mother or father will be painful because you will think about all the things they could have been alive to witness.

Sometimes, you may even have dreams about your parents that makes you remember what it was like to have them around.

Whenever I have these moments, I try to keep a diary about these dreams. Writing these down have helped me to process my subconscious thoughts and feelings.

You become even more aware of your mortality

‘Losing both parents can also bring about a heightened awareness of our own mortality – because now we have become the eldest generation, and there’s no one in between ourselves and death. Realising we are next in line is a deeply unsettling emotion to deal with.

Restless

You might realise just how short life is when your parents are gone. You might start to take a closer look at your health and try to get as healthy as possible.

You might check in on your remaining loved ones more often than before because you want to cherish them while they are all still alive. For example, if you have elderly aunties, uncles or grandparents you might call them even more often than before.

You’ll be even more determined to keep your parent’s legacy alive

As you start your own family and raise your kids, you will try to let them know what their grandparents were like.

It might be stories about growing up that you share with your kids and things you loved to do with your parents. Or it could be trips you took together or books you read; whatever it is, keep passing it on. As you do this, remember that you are doing precisely what your parents would have wanted you to do to keep their memory alive.

Yes, your parents will be proud of you today

There will be moments when something extraordinary happens, and someone who knew your parents will tell you just how proud of you they would have been. Truly, they would be proud. However, I want you to understand that your parents will always be proud of you. You don’t need to solve world hunger or break a world record for them to be proud. 

Understand that if your parents were here to see you today as you strive to be the best version of yourself, they would be proud.  

I only hope that one day, when you look at the picture of your parents, you will see a life well lived. I also hope you will know that you have made them proud just by getting up every day and doing all you do. Finally, you will remember that you are a living, breathing reminder that they were once here and that without them, there will be no you!

Thanks for reading my open letter. If this resonated with you, you might also want to read an open letter to people who are grieving.